Feature photo courtesy of Dolce & Gabbana
10 of 2019’s Most Ridiculous Designer Products
It’s the most wonderful time of the year: the time of tempting gift guides and best-of-the-year roundups filled with things you probably shouldn’t buy, but can nearly afford with a bit of careful budgeting. To spare you from all imaginable temptation, I present to you 10 of the year’s most absurd designer products in all of their expensive, decadent, and impractical glory.
Take this guide as a friendly reminder that money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy a $350 Loewe rock (a literal rock, not an “OMG, did you see her rock?!” rock), which is definitely not the same thing.
Gucci Inventum Star Eye Candle, $690
Remember the good old days when the only bougie candle brand you had to consciously avoid in order to afford food was Diptique? Now there’s something for everyone in the one-month’s-rent candle market, including this $690 Gucci Star Eye Candle. At least it has a 130 hour burn time, which breaks down to about 8 cents per minute (someone check my math). Time is money and money is the sweet, sweet musk of $690 Damask rose.
Dolce & Gabbana Dolls, $925
Dolce & Gabbana’s dolls are out here giving college brochures a run for their money in blatant efforts at inclusive racial representation and are probably (definitely) damage control for those Shanghai runway ads last year. But alas, some things never change: the two white dolls have bejeweled tiaras while the two dolls of color have...headbands? If you’re expecting me to pay $925 for a doll, she should at the very least come with a tiara. Thank u, next.
Hermès Tissue Box, $840
Forget the Lamborghini and the private island — I’m pretty sure you know you’ve made it when you can buy an $840 Hermès tissue box. You know what they say - “A nose in need deserves an engraved and hand lacquered wood box with contrasting gloss and matte lacquer and an engraved chevrons motif, indeed.”
Fendi Logo Stroller, $2,890
You don’t know how to walk yet, but make it fashion. As far as the price of this Fendi stroller goes, it’s not too crazy, considering big-name strollers retail around the $1,000 mark, and this one is made in Italy and covered in Fendi’s iconic Zucca print. I mean, would you rather have 3.4 Hermès tissue boxes or a flame-retardant feat of engineering with a full-cover SPF 50+ protection hood? Little [insert millenial baby name here: Byron? Scout? Tokyo?] will not only be protected from fire, but will look fire, too.
Loewe En Knot Stone, $350
In the glow-up of the century, your elementary school pet rock is all grown up and *rocking* (sorry) a bold calfskin leather ensemble. Loewe describes this object as inviting “quiet contemplation, peace and serenity”, but the only thing it makes me quietly contemplate is how long it would take me to recreate this with rocks from my local beach. Not only is this a rock that costs $350 (minus 100 points), the Loewe website also describes its Objects & Decoration collection as “Orient”-inspired (minus one million points - see Edward Said’s Orientalism, please). The rock was created by a Japanese mother-daughter design duo, so I guess that’s something. Let’s just hope they’re getting a boulder-sized chunk of the profits.
Chanel Logo Skateboard, $7,700
While it’s no longer available on the Chanel website for purchase (sorry, babes), Chanel’s SS19 logo skateboard takes the cake as one of the best designer accessories of the year, joining the House’s collection of past whimsical, non-sartorial items: think surfboards, tennis rackets and even a football. Sure, you’d never be able to actually take a $7,700 board out of the house, but if you’re buying this, you probably can’t skateboard anyway.
Tiffany & Co. Sterling Silver Paper Cup, $625
Almost every item in Tiffany & Co.’s “Everyday Objects” section deserves inclusion in this list. A $75,000 chess set! A $515 sterling silver clothes pin! But this Sterling Silver “Paper” Cup, “inspired by the paper coffee cups used only in Tiffany & Co. stores around the world” is the deserving recipient of the honor. The product details note that this product should NOT be used to consume hot liquids, which really ruins the only practical purpose of this item I can think of — gazing witheringly at the commoners over the rim of the cup, pinky aloft, while sipping a piping-hot cup of Earl Gray.
Louis Vuitton Horizon Earphones, $995
It’s been a revolutionary year for the wireless headphone market with the release of 2nd Gen AirPods, that cable that turns your AirPods back into regular old EarPods, and these $995 Louis Vuitton headphones. As savvy internet sleuths have pointed out, these headphones are actually the $299 Master & Dynamic MW07 buds with an LV Logo slapped on them, so you’re essentially paying $700 just for the LV paint job, but IDK, live your truth.
Judith Leiber Chihuahua Bruiser Bag, $5,995
I really don’t have any snarky criticism here. I just wanted to give this product its moment in the sun. Honestly, if I had an extra $6K lying around, I’d buy it. It’s Bruiser Woods! In a pink Juicy hoodie! The only problem is that now I’m being seriously targeted by Judith Leiber ads in my Facebook feed, and it’s only a matter of time before they wear me down and I buy this in a temporary moment of insanity. A friendly reminder that incognito browser windows save lives.
Haute Haus Jaiga Poster Pet Bed, $1,399
I’m not sure “Haute Haus” is on the same level of prestige and artistic integrity as the other designers featured in this list, but there was no way I was missing the opportunity to draw your attention to a $1,400 four-poster pet bed. I’m pretty sure this may be the best thing on the internet. Nothing like crashing into a pillow of luxe upholstery after a tough day of butt-sniffing at the office.